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Patterson Bigfoot, Sasquatch, Yeti & Friends

patterson bigfoot

Ahh the original crypto-creature. Mothman, Nessie, and the Chupacabre can’t hold a candle to the rich history of the fabled Sasquatch. Every continent (except Antarctica) has passed down legends of giant hairy wildmen, secretly hiding out in the wilderness.

He’s known by many names ... Sasquatch, Yeti, BigFoot, Skunk Ape, Wildman, Russian Hairy Man, Georgia Mountain Man, Abominable Snowman, just to name just a few.

Usually he comes in at 6-t0-10 feet tall, reddish or dark brown hair and lots of it. And apparently he’s really stinky. But I’m pretty sure other sasquatch find that stench quite attractive.

patterson bigfoot perfume

Big Foot is, shockingly enough, mostly know for his big feet. Leaving behind prints which are sometimes as large as 2-feet long and 8 inches wide. (I can’t identify as I suspect my parents secretly bound my feet as a baby.)

Patterson Bigfoot :

The Patterson Bigfoot Film is by far the most famous and controversial Big Foot footage ever caught. (I’m going to start referring to it as *Big Footage* because I can). Anyway in 1967 in Bluff Creek, California Roger Patterson and Robert Gimlin allegedly filmed a female sasquatch (she has bigfoot breasts) walking, and throwing a look back at the camera as she goes along her way. When I first saw the Big Footage I thought hey look there’s a man dressed up as Big Foot. It does look a little stiff, and big foot looks awfully nonchalant about her 15 seconds of fame. Then a report came out that someone who knew Patterson later claimed to be the star, donning an ape outfit.

So I was convinced- easiest explanation is usually the right one- and had moved onto other evidence. Then I stumbled upon a show on Discovery, Legend meets Science. They took real scientists (not fake weight-loss-pill endorsing ones) and did a ton of exhaustive state-of-the-art testing on a lot of the known big foot evidence. So not the usual crop of just believers speculating on half facts. Some interesting new evidence noticed on the Patterson bigfoot was a noticeable leg bulge that protrudes while she walks, which the scientist surmised was a past tendon injury. Another bone specialist matched up a feasible skeletal system with the gate of the creature. (pretty good ape costume) The conclusion was in 1967 bio mechanics was not advanced enough to create such a good fake bigfoot. In the end almost all of the scientists agreed that a large unclassified primate was hanging out in north american forests.

 

Patterson Bigfoot and other Bigfootage from the Discovery Channel show. Check it out to see what the hell I’m jabbering about. Or don’t.

Big Foot is a wussy...when it comes to screws

One of my fav sasquatch specials was a great Monster Quest episode. It was one of the earlier Monster Quests (back when they hunted monsters and not chimps that rip peoples faces off) News flash ... that’s a face-ripping chimp not a “monster”.

It recounts a remote hunting cabin up in Ontario, Canada. In the past the entire inside of the cabin has been totally trashed, by something big and angry that’s not a bear. It recounted some rock throwing contests with whatever was hiding in the woods and the owner leaving a bunch of upright screws in front of the door to see if whatever is ripping up the cabin might step on it. A “welcome mat” if you will. Well the poor creature goes to the door to engage in his favorite past time of destroying the funny human house, only to take a giant step onto rusty screws. I bet the howling could be heard at Celine Dion’s baby dungeon. So the hair and blood samples are left out in the elements forever and of course are questionably mixed with rust and junk. (I heart controlled experiments!) The DNA results come back that it’s something almost human-ish. Not conclusive. But they were able to utilize a high-tech, black Sharpi experiment and trace an outline of a giant footstep on the mat ... a big foot. The more I think about this episode the more I’m like what the hell? I conduct more stringent, controlled experiments ordering a thin-crust, half pepperoni, half cheese pizza.

So is there a giant bi-pedal primate mysteriously roaming the forest?
Yes. Yes there is.

I personally hope that if BigFoot is out there that he keeps staying one big footstep ahead of us, leaving the occasional tantalizing clue that keeps us forever wondering. Because of course we’d mess up everything if we found him. Can you imagine the zoo exhibits? The give Sasquatch rights marches. Save the Sasquatch PETA campaigns. He’d probably end up on the tasting menu at Nobu. I sure hope he’s not delicious.

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